Memo to the Family Dog and Cat
- When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switchpositions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All otherdishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw ornose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nordo I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beatingme to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your innerbeast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, soit is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out tothe fullest extent possible.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by somemiracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won\'t help toclaw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try topull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom foryears...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
- When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a suddenleap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch,no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
- Dog: Don\'t think for a minute that making a sad face and whimperingpathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on thecarpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it waswrong when you did it.
- Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal foryou to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgustinghairball in history.
- Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. Icannot stress this enough.
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