The Hairy Leg Principle

I have a post on a relationship skill in mind, but it is in part logically dependent upon what I call the Hairy Leg Principle. The Hairy Leg Principle has been a part of my intellectual repertoire long enough that I thought it deserved its own post.

The Hairy Leg Principle Defined: The notion that the value of another's love for you is proportional to how you understand and respect their reason's for loving you.

To place the Hairy Leg Principle in context, consider how love is often described as "unconditional." But is it really? And would you want it to be?

Which would you rather hear: "Although there is nothing about you that I respect and admire, enjoy or otherwise consider to be of value, I love you." Or: "You are a [wo]man of unsurpassed character, intelligence, and wisdom. Because of that, I love you." I think most people would rather hear the second--and would be insulted by the first.

So, the Hairy Leg Principle presumes that love is conditionally based--but it goes further than that. For you to value the other person's love, you must understand and respect their reason's for loving you. This understanding does not necessarily have to be explicit (although I find it much more exciting when it is), but there does have to be understanding nonetheless.

Respect is also a key component. If someone claims to love you for reasons that you find silly or non-essential, their love will have no value to you. In my own case, if someone told me they loved me because I had hairy legs, I would not be able to respect or enjoy their affection at all. The amount of hair I have on my legs is inessential to my hierarchy of values. Thus the named "Hairy Leg Principle." When my grandmother tells me she loves me because I am her grandson, she's basically telling me that she loves me because we happen to share some DNA. Hello? I share 98% of my DNA with a chimpanzee! How irrelevant can you get?! But, when she calls me to tell me about an idea that she heard, that she thought I would appreciate--she doesn't even have to say she loves me--the fact that she recognizes an idea that I would appreciate, and bothers to call me and tell me about it registers that fact far more clearly than "because I'm her grandson." Incidentally, that phone call, which I received several months ago, is the first time in my adult life that I've felt that she had real esteem for me. It was the first time that her actions fit her words.

In my own case, I consider it silly to love me or anyone else for any reason that is beyond their choice. Sure, you may "love" their hair-color, or eye-color or something--but those things are not primaries. That's not to say that don't have their own importance--there is no mind-body dichotomy--attraction is in part physical--but they are not primaries.

So, love me for my rationality, my interest in ideas, or my zest for life. Or love me not.